One of the hardest things to look at during my Covid convalescing was my worthiness around resting. There was a lot of resistance, a LOT. And until I looked at this I knew it would impede my recovery and my body was in desperation of rest. This piece is deeply ingrained in me and continues to be a work in progress.…
So many sides to this pent up and unpolished diamond. First, why must I be in a constant state of doing to feel safe in the world?... Partly out of habit but also the need to accomplish and work is very deep rooted within me. Now being successful is not a bad thing but I have to look at where did that drive come from? When I was honest with myself I could feel the deep fear that felt like if I wasn’t doing something important and productive then everything in my world would fall apart. I won’t get into the details of where this belief originated for me but it was clear that the pattern played out throughout my life. I had a big studio for many years, an embezzlement and the scale of all of that was a lot of pressure financially. Although I had closed my studio to pare down my life, the pattern continued. I know on some level the universe gifted me with this experience to really take a look at this piece. To face my fears. Having more of an artist’s sensibility and less of a handle on finances has always been a predominant flavor of my adult life and thus there has always been an undercurrent of financial fear. Now, I’m being faced with the scenario of having to do the right thing for my body by resting and recovering versus chasing my fear of stability and finances. To be physically broken, with the inability to leave my apartment for weeks on end and have to face the dark reality of the material world on top has been an extreme challenge.
I find myself constantly weighing the tentative balance of this experience. Should I push myself and get back to work even though I know I’m not ready? Or should I honor my body by healing fully? Now the answer is obvious, but to tell that to the subconscious is another thing.
The interesting thing about having so little energy, is that it becomes clear what is draining to my system and what is not. There have been a few moments in the past few weeks where I just gave up. Gave up my fear as I could feel it draining my energy and surrendered to this experience. Trusting and asking the universe to support me. I don’t pretend though that the fearful thoughts don’t keep coming back but those clear and bright moments stand out in my memory and I am trying to lean back in to them when I’m feeling weak in spirit. A continual journey.…
I know for a lot of us that keeping busy is a great way to ignore these deep inner woundings. I’ve met more than an few women, including myself, that have had their bodies crash in one form or another from overwork and being always on the go. But the body will orchestrate the perfect scenario to learn the beautiful lesson of Non-Action as its balance with Action must be maintained in the perfection of the order of the universe.