My healing from Covid has been a retrospect of my touch with death. I look back now at the feverish episodes when I was in the fullness of the illness and they seem now like they were initiations into the journey I was about to embark upon. A dying and a rebirthing…. Part of my writing of my Covid journey is not only for others but also to make record of some of the experiences that I can already feel are slipping away in my memory. As I re-enter my regular life I wish to hold and remember some of the awarenesses that were transformative for me in someway or another.
During my fevers, I had a clear revisiting of the past. I seemed to go back in time and revisit certain stages of my life. And unlike other times of recollection, these remembrances were more visceral. Less in my mind and more the actual feelings. Bodily sensations of what I felt like to be my 19-year-old self, falling in love for the first time, etc. It was like I was literally transported back to these times and those memory sensations were, and are, stored deep inside me still. The waves of recollection were so powerful and all encompassing. Feverish delirium mixed with a chronological reflection of my life up until this point. I think now that perhaps this review of the past was a way of saying goodbye to those other versions of myself. A rebirthing was about to take place and perhaps I would take parts of this old self with me as well.
I remember thinking to myself who was I then? That person I’m feeling into from the past does no longer feel like me? And yet it was always me. It was such a strange and all-embracing feeling I can still hardly put my finger on it or express it in words. I was literally experiencing what it was like to be me at that point in time. I journeyed back and became that old me and yet I did not recognize her/me at all. But the realization I had at one moment was that I had grown so much in my life. I was no longer that insecure and scared young girl of my youth but I am now finally after all these years standing more in my fullness. My inner strength and goddess warrior shining.
So as I share my healing journey with you, I ask you to close your eyes and to reflect back and revisit, not just in your mind but in the deep feelings and sensations stored within all your cells, and recognize your growth throughout your lifetime as a spirit in a human body, having a human experience. As many of us are striving to be better people and navigate life with more grace, it’s sometimes hard to see the bigger picture. We can be very hard on ourselves. But looking at the arc of your life is a beautiful reminder to show you where you’ve come from and who you’ve become. Although our spirit is pure, timeless and eternal, we do grow and ascend. To recognize that even the painful periods were actually some of the best learning and growth experiences. And instead of revisiting the past with sadness and sorrow, we can use it as a tool to bring loving compassion to ourselves, and to remember our expansion is infinite.