One of the things that has been revealed to me with more clarity through my Covid convalescing journey is how uncomfortable it is for a lot of us to be truly present with where we are in dark times. To be authentic and in acceptance of what is happening in this exact now if it is not perfect and happy. Being deeply sick and completely bedridden with my regular life stripped away from me was devastating. Each day waking up in a heavy fog of depression and depletion, I would wish and will myself to be better. A full rejection of what is, and I realized how draining this was to my system. Like the inauthenticity of trying to be something I wasn’t, could actually be killing me more than the sickness itself. When I finally let go to embrace the fullness of sickness and despair, it was so profoundly healing for me. Now I express this as if it’s in the past, but it’s still a work in progress.....
Meeting my body where it’s at has been liberating. To fully ‘be’ with what is happening and not trying to be something that is not. And by embracing illness and pain, I release some of the ‘emotional’ illness and pain. At least now I can carry the less of a burden of both.
All this made me wonder why as a society do we seem to only honor the joyful, the happy, and the perfect? Yes suffering is hard to feel but why is sadness, grief and pain any less valuable of an experience? Why are we so uncomfortable with these feelings? Why are we not socially well-versed in coping with these emotions?Why is it so hard to create and hold space for one another’s pain?.... Can we not see that by the lack of acceptance of these seemingly negative emotions, only lend itself to its trappings within our beautiful bodies?
When we only show our picture perfect side to the world, we do not come forward in fullness of who we are. In some way it’s a form of denial or a fraud. ‘I will show you what I want you to see, what I want to be.’ But it’s only half or part of who we are.
At first it was hard to come forth and be honest with where I was at, to say I had Covid and that I’m struggling. I would think, ‘No one wants to hear the bad stuff. People think I’m healthy, what will they think?’ Yet, it’s been very healing to see and feel all my sisters and brothers in my community supporting me in my pain. I spend a lot of time alone, but this experience has reminded me that I have a lot of friends and love all around me. And I hope that others that are struggling in illness of all kinds and having hard times, feel more courage to be honest and come forth in this way. As we live our busy lives, in our busy communities, it’s easy to feel disconnected, especially during a pandemic. But we are not disconnected, because we all experience the full spectrum of what it is to be human, the Pain and the Joy.
There’s a freedom to be found in exploring our shadow sides as they are actually a part of us, and their expression allows the emotions to flow through. With this integration of light and dark, we come to be able to truly Love ourselves in our wholeness, good and bad, in full acceptance and authenticity of what it is.....