The process of this virus for me has been one of dying over and over again. The first, the physical dying. My body being taken to that edge and now having to rebirth my body in a new way. Recognizing the fragile nature of my human body. In the beginning, sleep was the only cure. Like resting in the womb of your mother. No cares and concerns, just being. A deep darkness but also a safety.
Now after six weeks since the beginning of this illness, I come to the emotional and spiritual dying. When I left the hospital I was scared as I knew what I would be up against. Being an extremely emotional person I knew I would be faced with some hard lessons. That in between state of wellness and sickness would not be easy. Kicking and screaming, resisting, devastation... as if that will help me bypass this experience. Then finally a deep surrendering, not because I want to or it sounds spiritually wise but because there is no other choice... to have to finally meet my body where it’s at. Not the picture perfect version that I try to hold up in my mind each day but the sad reality of a beaten body. I cry, but it makes no difference, I have to do the work. I have to finally become the person or the illusion that everyone thinks that I am, including myself. The healthy person that I once was, or thought I was, but am no longer. I died but must be reborn.
So now I rest, and I rest, and I rest....No person, vitamin or even sunshine for that matter (because I can’t even leave my bed) that will get me out of this experience. I don’t come to my Qigong or healing practice solely out of choice now, but because it feels like ‘do or die’. A forced inward journey and deepening of awareness. A complete lesson in non doing. So I breathe into my body... I pause....a gentle lift of the perineum and absorb the vitality. I envision a white vaporous mist washing over me, moving into every cell of my being. I look into my body and acknowledge how tired and sick I am but now meet my body with the compassionate it deserves. Breath by simple breath, literally the simplest breath… I try to be with my body, my mind nowhere else because there’s no other option, and I rebuild my body and vitality. A lesson in Surrender and Presence. The gift of this painful experience.
Why do I share my journey with Covid? Normally I’m a very private person. But I want people to know the very serious realities of Covid from the perspective of a holistic, wellness, movement practitioner. At this point I feel broken by this disease and I’ve faced challenges before with my health in what I call my mono crashes. Covid is a beast but I hope to come out on the other side one day. I feel lucky as I have to the tools to recover yet even I feel devastated in mind, body and soul. I have so much compassion for those that don’t have these tools. It’s much easier to have a bright outlook on life when you’re feeling good. If you have your health, you have everything...